wickedqueen.net

The post title is really only funny if you have seen my father perform a public service announcement from his childhood concerning the inadvisability of touching blasting caps on construction sites, imitating Willie Mays, with metacommentary by his schoolmates (”You could lose an arm or a leg… which you may need in later life. If you see them, call the police, or a fireman. Let HIM lose an arm or a leg… he doesn’t have as much later life coming to him as you do.”) Maybe someday we can put it on YouTube, along with my Scottish great-great(?)-grandfather’s admonishment that son, you’re going to college, and if you’re gonna drink, JOHNNY DEWAR.

However, the general thrust of the title does work with today’s topic, which is: Your Health & Safety.

1) Carry condoms. If there is any chance that you think you might be going to have sex with someone with whom you do not have a long-standing association, an explicit contraceptive arrangement, AND credible assurances of a clean bill of health, you should have condoms with you. Sometimes people do not want to admit they are planning to do something like this, because they think it is immoral, and people prefer not to plan behavior they think is bad even if they are likely to do it anyway, because they’d rather pretend they’re not. The morality of casual sex is basically your own concern,* but try to think about your past behavior (which is a way better predictor of future behavior than attitudes are) and just, you know, be prepared. Just because you have them doesn’t mean you have to use them. And you know, maybe someone ELSE will need one, and then they’ll owe you. Think of the backlog of favors you could accumulate. To this end, you might also want to carry around tampons, pain killers, and a hip flask.**

2) Wear a bicycle helmet, for the love of god. The other night I stopped at Trader Joe’s for a few odds and ends and the cashier, who I think was trying to be ingratiating, commented that, gee whiz, you don’t think about helmets and lights and stuff until you have a bike accident and then you sure realize that they’re a good thing to have! Actually, I have never been in a real bike wreck, various near-misses with idiotic motorists and that time I flipped over when I was 10 and still learning to use hand brakes notwithstanding. However, I do FEAR DEATH, and so I wear a bicycle helmet.*** Just recently frippy was in a bike wreck that cracked her helmet; as she remarked, she didn’t realize how bad it really was until she realized what it did to her helmet. She got off with a deep contusion in one leg, instead of a concussion or worse, because she was wearing a helmet. And of course there was that UW-Madison grad student who got hit by the UPS truck. As frippy points out, there are people who would never drive without a seat belt or stick their hands out of fast-moving passenger trains who blithely pedal around town with no helmet. BAD IDEA.

2b) If you are on a bike, do not ride the wrong damn direction in a bike lane. If there is any justice in the world, you will be hit by lightning, and also I will scream at you if you do it near me.

2c) If you are driving a car, follow the damn law and don’t try to turn left over bicyclists who have the fucking right of way because they are going straight through the intersection. I am talking to you, stupid woman at the intersection of Regent and Monroe with whom I had the misfortune to meet some time between 8:15 and 8:30 am on Friday, October 5th.

2d) But also, don’t try to politely yield the right of way to bicyclists when you have it. It makes me nervous, because you know, it’s never entirely clear if that’s what you’re doing or if you’re just momentarily distracted and about to hit the accelerator again and also, you do not control everyone else on the road! Just follow the law! We all (theoretically) know what it is, which cuts down on the potentially fatal misunderstandings, okay?

3) If you need help, do not be embarrassed to ask a stranger. Pretty much everyone would rather call 911 for you when you can still provide some relevant information than have to report finding your non-responsive or lifeless body. And in many situations, they may not realize you need help (and are not just, say, having an emotional meltdown in the ladies’ room) unless you tell them, so SAY SOMETHING. Embarrassment is generally not fatal.

4) Do not use Mr. Clean Magic Erasers on exposed skin, even if you are covered in pink stains. You will get a rash, which is arguably more unsightly than the pink stains and definitely more painful.

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*Readers, long-term and walk-through, may draw their own conclusions about my opinion on the subject.

+Some local legal restrictions may apply.

I’ve never understood people who got depressed about their own birthdays. Birthdays are great. For one thing, you get loot, and people pay attention to you–I have always enjoyed having people pay attention to me–and “Getting Old” was never a particular concern of mine, probably because I was so used to being two years younger than everyone in my immediate social reference group and mostly I just wanted to be of legal drinking age already, dammit.

That said, I am turning 25 on Monday and I’m depressed about it.

I don’t know. I don’t feel like I’m Getting Old, exactly, but there are definitely aspects of my life that are Not Going As Planned. 24 was a very up-and-down year. Also it turns out I can’t have a “Probably Not Schizophrenic” party because women are typically diagnosed later than men.

And I have to move two weeks after my birthday, and I don’t know where I’m going to live in Boston, and I haven’t been able to find someone to take over my Madison lease yet, and I worry about money and logistics and my cats. I hate not knowing what’s going to HAPPEN.

I don’t even like the number 25. I dislike even-numbered ages, but I think being divisible by 5 is just as bad.* 27 will be a good age, and then at 28 I can have the “Older Than a Rock Star” party. 29 is prime; I like that in an age. I’m hoping my 30s will just be light on emotional turmoil, for the love of god.

At least there is going to be karaoke. Also Indian food. These things are good. I am going to get ripped and sing a lot of songs–I have a list, in fact, gleaned from the King of Clubs’s full karaoke catalog, which was available as a PDF on their website until said website started having issues. Bolded songs are those I have sung before; those marked with a star are songs I would particularly like to sing:

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There’s something about being Far From Home that seems to drive me to book sales. I mean, it isn’t as if the Madison library doesn’t have “Friends of the Library” sales, although I think they’re rather fewer and far between than the monthly ones put on by the Palo Alto Public Library… and probably the selection isn’t as good. But I almost never went to them anyway.

In Tokyo, I once went to the Kinokuniya foreign language paperback sale after a full night of karaoke and a very awkward traditional Japanese breakfast at Denny’s (one of the other foreign exchange students was having personal issues), and, needless to say, no sleep whatsoever. This meant that later in the day, I had to teach two conversational English lessons also on no sleep whatsoever, but I didn’t regret it, because I’d gotten a giant bag of Y500 English fiction, which is no mean feat in Tokyo, where an English novel usually runs about Y1400 (~$12 at the time).

It was in Tokyo that I started reading Terry Pratchett, who I’d been avoiding because I erroneously believed him to be similar to Piers Anthony, and also where I read White Oleander, which I’d been avoiding because it was on Oprah’s Book Club and I am sometimes incongruously snobbish.*

Here in northern California, I think of White Oleander frequently, because the stuff is everywhere. More specifically, as I noted to my sister Hannah after she had checked the online bus schedule for me and determined that the bus I wanted back from the book sale doesn’t run on Sundays, when I see all that oleander, I think of People Whom I Would Like To Poison.

“That must be a long list,” said Hannah.

“You know,” I said. “Some people rate higher than others.”

My father always used to tell us that in Florida (where he grew up), every year a couple of people would die from building campfires with oleander brush, or, in some memorable cases, using oleander sticks to roast weenies. As a child, I was fascinated with poisonous plants. It may have started with the dire warnings I received from my mother about pokeberries, which were a lovely deep wine color and grew in our yard; I was also very interested in belladonna, an indication of my nascent goth tendencies. I thought it would be a good name for a girl.

Anyway, except for having to carry 52 books approximately a mile and a half to the nearest bus stop when it developed that the #88 (which would have taken me within THREE BLOCKS of my house) does not run on Sundays, I would say the book sale was a success. It was a bit picked over, it being the second day, but the second day is also when they let you fill up a grocery bag with books for $5 (or, the woman at the cash drawer tempted me, five bags for $20, but even if the #88 had been running this seemed a bit beyond my means). So I spent $5.50 for nine books at the regular sale, and $5 for 43 in the bargain room:

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I asked Susan for a letter for the ten things meme, and she gave me J. Apparently she hates me. J is not an easy letter to come up with 10 things for, especially when I thought they had to be positive, but apparently they just have to mean something to me. But J! It is not an easy letter, but I am giving it my best shot.

1. Jam. I love jam. It is my favorite thing about the farmers’ market on the square. My favorite kinds are cherry-rhubarb and spiced pear. I tried raspberry-jalapeno once, but while the concept was interesting and it wasn’t BAD, it wasn’t something I wanted to start off my morning by ingesting, either.
2. Japan. I did my junior year abroad at Hosei University in Tokyo and learned to love beer, karaoke, and sticker picture machines. I already liked stationery and Hello Kitty, but they were certainly in better supply there. I miss it, and not just for the consumer goods.
3. J-names in general. The roster of my exes and past crushes includes two Johns, a Jon, a James, numerous Joshes, a Joe, two Jennifers, and a Justin. Some of these names are just perenially popular, and some are common to my cohort, but still. Lots of J-names.
4. Jims, folk-singing. Specifically Jim White (”my record company tries to sell me as some kind of tortured demented poet, but really I have the soul of a comedian–I’m the opposite of Woody Allen”), who writes sometimes creepy Southern songs, and Jim Moray, who does electronica versions of traditional ballads.
5. Juxtapositions, jarring. This is probably less evident in my current wardrobe, but I enjoy stylistically disparate combinations of clothing and jewelry. Some people find my love of Hello Kitty incongruous; I don’t mind that, either. And I like electronic versions of traditional ballads.
6. Jubilee. Despised by X-Men comic fans and probably largely unknown to movie viewers (unless they saw the cartoon), I find her strangely appealing. Maybe I identified as a young female comic reader in junior high. I just like her. I had a character named Jubilee on Ancient Anguish; I’d probably get banned for copyright violation if I tried that on CoH.
7. Jinglies. I include in this category bangles, dangly earrings, anklets, belly-dancing sashes, and whathaveyou. I once wore a pair of earrings to the Karaoke Kid that were audible above the crowd noise. In junior high, I had a pair that were actually enameled bells. I like to make a little noise.
8. Jealousy. When I was a kid, I was very jealous of my friends’ time. I think I am still somewhat interpersonally demanding, although I try to keep it under control. I just tend to get very focused on people I like, and sometimes I want them to myself.
9. Jewel tones. I love bright colors. I wish I hadn’t had to replace my wardrobe at a time when pastels were so firmly entrenched.
10. Jogging. I don’t know how anyone can do this. I hate running more than anything else I was ever forced to do in gym class, with the possible exception of listening to the thousand year-old middle school guidance counselor talk about not letting people pressure you into sex. Furthermore, it’s not that good for you. People fuck up their knees doing it all the time, but we keep acting like it’s great. Hey, you know, whatever floats your boat, but I assure you: I would not like it if I tried it. Not with a bat. Not in a hat. I would not like it anywhere.

Whew. And that’s ten. Good thing it was okay to be negative.

Let me know if you want a letter. I will try to be less demanding than Susan, who actually complained about R. It is to laugh.

Enter your date of birth, sans year, into Wikipedia. List three events, three births, and three deaths.

Events

1. 1889 - Nintendo Koppai (Later Nintendo Company, Limited) founded by Fusajiro Yamauchi to produce and market the playing card game Hanafuda. (I own a deck of Hanafuda cards–I do not own a Nintendo game system.)
2. 1962 - Apartheid: The United Nations General Assembly passes a resolution condemning South Africa’s racist apartheid policies and calls for all UN member states to cease military and economic relations with the nation.
3. 2002 - Winona Ryder is found guilty of shoplifting after stealing items worth $5,500 from a New York boutique.

Note: Every single time the US presidential election is held on my birthday, the Republican wins. I am bad juju.

Births

1. 1494 - Suleiman the Magnificent, Ottoman Sultan (d. 1566)
2. 1965 - Greg Graffin, American singer (Bad Religion)
3. 1970 - Ethan Hawke, American actor (I always bring this up)

Deaths

1. 1231 - Emperor Tsuchimikado of Japan (b. 1196)
2. 1796 - Catherine II of Russia (b. 1729) (contrary to rumor, it is not true that was killed when the ropes holding the stallion being lowered onto her for carnal purposes snapped)
3. 1925 - Khai Dinh, Emperor of Vietnam

Bonus holiday

1. Feast day of Sts. Atticus and Efflam, among others

I feel compelled to note here that Jeremy now has his own Wikipedia entry, shamelessly wheedled out of his blog readership. What have you done for ME lately?

…and I don’t care if I didn’t get tagged. I will just assume that SOMEONE who refused to tag anyone MIGHT have tagged me if they were the tagging kind.

Four Things meme

Four jobs I’ve had:

1. Taco Bell lackey
2. used bookstore clerk
3. conversational English tutor*
4. assistant manager at Rave

Four movies I can watch over and over:

1. The Zero Effect
2. Real Genius
3. Dirty Dancing
4. The Goonies

Four books I can read over and over:

1. The Chronicles of Amber by Roger Zelazny
2. Diary of an Emotional Idiot by Maggie Estep
3. The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
4. Sputnik Sweetheart by Haruki Murakami

Four places I’ve lived:

1. Tucson, AZ
2. Kirksville, MO
3. Tokyo, Japan
4. Madison, WI

Four TV shows I love:

1. Cold Case
2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (primarily seasons 1-4)
3. Highlander (shut up, I know it’s bad)
4. Due South

Four places I’ve vacationed:

1. Arizona (visiting grandparents)
2. Florida (visiting grandfather)
3. Okinawa (during typhoon season!)
4. Misawa (during Golden Week–when everyone in Japan travels, which is why I had to sit on top of my luggage in the walkway between train compartments)

Four favorite places I’ve been in the world:

1. The Imperial Gardens in Tokyo when the cherry blossoms were out.
2. The greenhouse at Southeast Missouri State University, which had a little pond and a citrus tree of some kind that I remember being repeatedly warned not to touch. Or maybe just not to eat off of.
3. The secluded boat dock at Trail of Tears State Park (I have my reasons).
4. The high points of the trail in Sabino Canyon, with the world spread out below.

Four of my favorite foods:**

1. Sushi
2. Cake donuts with wine coolers
3. Spaghetti
4. Extra extra sharp cheddar

Four sites I visit daily:

1. Livejournal.com
2. cnn.com
3. BBC News | Americas
4. numerous blogs

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Shopping in Shinjuku
2. Hiking in Sabino Canyon
3. Checking out the Science Museum and the Magic House in St. Louis
4. Doing daytime practice karaoke with Katja in Roppongi (Y500, two drinks included!)

Four bloggers I am tagging:

1. Hannah
2. Amanda
3. Bethany
4. frippy

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*I also taught English to classes of small children for awhile, which was a NIGHTMARE. Let me tell you, if you’ve got one pantsless three-year-old, you are going to have TWENTY of them in a minute.

**Like Jeremy, in the interest of my physical well-being and appearance, I no longer eat #2 or #4. Low-fat cheddar is never really sharp, in case you were wondering. I still eat sushi, however, and I count it as four pieces for two points even when those pieces contain cream cheese.

A meme from Tom the Dog, because I am so lame that I am hiding in my apartment on Halloween weekend. Well, I have a shitload of work to do. But also I was traumatized by getting lost on State Street in 2003, and have absolutely no desire to attend the Halloween riots at any point in the future.

Like Tom the Dog, I have eliminated artists from the list who I don’t like, or for whom I have nothing approaching a favorite song. I also made a few additions.

1. Favorite Beatles song: “Girl”

   As Tom noted, a toughie. But I love to sing that one when I am feeling angsty at karaoke. Runners-up would include “Back in the USSR” and “Lady Madonna,” for a peppier feel.

2. Favorite solo song by a former Beatle: “Oh Yoko”

   Someone put this on a mix CD for me once; she later turned out to be carrying a torch for me, about which I felt bad because I had no idea and really didn’t return the feeling, but anyway, it’s a good song. I like to sing along to it. And I don’t hate Yoko Ono.

3. Favorite Bob Dylan song: “It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue”

   In general, I prefer Bob Dylan covers. For instance, I like this one by Hole.

4. Favorite Prince song: “Raspberry Beret”

   The video for this one at karaoke has some chick slinking around in her underwear.

5. Favorite Michael Jackson song: “Billie Jean”

   Another karaoke favorite.

6. Favorite Cure song: “Burn”

   Look, it was either that or “Friday I’m in Love.” I don’t actually know the Cure very well.

7. Favorite song that most of your friends haven’t heard: “Summer Rain” by Belinda Carlisle

   Although it was Matt who introduced me to it, most of my friends don’t seem to know it–funny, most of them love the 80s.

8. Favorite Police song: “Synchronicity II”

   I like the Police in general, and this is an excellent album. It was hard to pick a track, but I love the bit about something crawling from the slime at the bottom of a dark Scottish lake. “Tea in the Sahara” is a close second, though.

9. Favorite song from a movie: “Season of the Witch” - Donovan, as used over the end credits of To Die For

   As my father once commented, they might as well have started with the idea of that final scene and worked backwards to create the move. Perfect.

10. Favorite song from a TV show: “Henry Martin” - Figgy Duff, in episode #1.8 of Due South (”Gift of the Wheelman”)

    A father plans to doublecross his bank robber partners and cover his tracks with a murder suicide so that his son will get all the money–overlaid with this gorgeous Child ballad about a man who turns to piracy to “maintain his brothers and he.” Due South uses music well in general, but this is just perfect.

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I’m going to fill up some space with a list of things that I would like for my birthday, or possibly Christmas. This is almost entirely because my father reads my blog, and could easily send a link to, say, my mother. I’m really not trying to weasel any gifts out of the rest of you. Not like that year when I had a minor nervous breakdown right before my birthday and everyone sent me swag.

Stuff I want (with links when applicable):

• A spaghetti measurer
• Highlander season five boxed set (it costs twice as much from Amazon)
• Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman (no, I don’t have a copy yet, I know Daniel is horrified)
• Labyrinth on DVD
• Ghosts That Haunt Me by the Crash Test Dummies
• A Target giftcard
• Pop Culture Trivial Pursuit
• A hardback copy of The Princess Bride
• Space Lullabies and Other Fantasmagore by Ekova
• Home Movies season one boxed set
• Novelty socks
• A mini food processor like this one
• Okay, okay: turtleneck sweaters* (I probably take a medium now)

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*This is kind of a joke, because I swear I have gotten turtleneck sweaters for every birthday and Christmas for like the past five years. But I really like turtlenecks, and my mom has really good taste in them, and somehow I never seem to have TOO MANY.